Developed with the assistance of Dr. Susan Linn, associate
director of the Media Center of the Judge Baker Children's
Center,
www.jbcc.harvard.edu, and instructor of
psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.
Introduction
Attitudes about the similarities and differences among people
begin in early childhood. Both the seeds of respect and the
seeds of intolerance are planted when we are very young and
nurtured by our experiences and the attitudes of those around
us as we grow up. The goal is not just to help prevent hate
crimes, but to help in the enabling of children to flourish
in a diverse society. The best way to do that is to begin
talking to children about diversity when they are very young.
In doing so we help them begin a dialogue about these
exciting, complex, and sometimes painful topics.
Because it is sometimes hard, when faced with difficult
questions, to answer them in ways that children understand,
we are including in this Website questions asked by parents
and teachers around the country. There is no right way to
talk to a child about diversity, or about hate crimes, but we
hope that these questions and suggested answers will serve as
effective guidelines.

About Hate and Hate Crimes
What is a hate crime? How is it different from any other
kind of illegal act?
Hate crimes are the most extreme expression of bigotry and
prejudice. Ranging from vandalism to murder, hate crimes are
different from other crimes because they are motivated not by
greed or by rage at a particular person, but by hatred
against an entire population of people bound together only by
their race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or
ability.
Why do people commit hate
crimes?
Some hate crimes are committed by adult hate mongers or
members of extremist groups. But many are committed by young
people acting out of ignorance, thoughtlessness, or peer
pressure rather than hard core hatred. That's why it's
important to educate children at an early age to appreciate
the similarities and differences among people.
Should young children be
introduced to the reality of hate and hate crimes?
There's no reason to go out of your way to introduce young
children to the concept of hate. It's best if children's
early experience of the similarities and differences among
groups of people is positive rather than negative. What's
most important is to fill their lives with as many positive
experiences with diversity as possible. Children who live in
heterogenuous neighborhoods and attend integrated schools
have the best opportunity to learn first hand the value of
getting to know people whose background and culture differ
from their own. But even children in homogeneous
neighborhoods can be exposed to other cultures through books,
pictures, music, art, television, and film. Because we live
in an imperfect society, it is likely that children will
encounter bigotry, prejudice, and even hate as they begin to
move about in the world. They are probably going to encounter
bullying in school which may be based on some kind of
prejudice. Even if their own lives are free from such
experiences, hate and extreme acts of bigotry will infiltrate
their lives through newspaper headlines, magazines,
television, radio, and the Internet. When children encounter
any form of bigotry it is essential to identify it as such
and to talk about it with them. Share your own feelings of
outrage, at racially motivated attacks, gay bashing or
vandalism of synagogues, churches, mosques, and other places
of worship. Let them know that there are groups who actively
combat hate crimes and, as they get older, talk with children
about laws and policies that protect civil rights and make
hate crimes illegal.
Questions and Answers
We're Jewish and my
8-year-old son's best friend is Arab American. Recently my
son came home in tears because his other Jewish friends told
him that they couldn't be friends with Ayad because all Arabs
hate Jews and Jews should hate Arabs. What should I
say?
First of all, acknowledge how confusing this situation
must be for your child. Help him understand that he is free
to choose his own friends and that his other friends have no
right to dictate his choices. You can talk with him in a
general way about how individuals can be friends despite
conflicts that might exist between the cultural groups to
which they belong. Encourage your son to identify what he
likes about his friend and to continue to see him as an
individual and not as a representative of a group. If your
son knows other Arab American children, ask him how Ayad is
like them and not like them. You can also do this with other
members of racial or ethnic groups, including how Ayad is
similar to and different from his Jewish friends.
Suggested Resource: In light of the tragic events
of September 11, 2001, prejudice and discrimination
against Arab Americans escalated across the
country. Help your children learn accurate
information about Islam, Muslims, and Arab
Americans so they will not succumb to the
stereotypes and biases that they will be exposed
to. One source of information - a list of 100
questions about Arab Americans prepared by the
Detroit Free Press - is available at http://www.freep.com/jobspage/arabs/index.htm.
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My 6-year-old daughter came
home from a friend's house and said, "Alan asked me why I
can't be Christian because Christians are the best. Are they
better than we are?" I was angry that someone said that to
her and confused about how to reply.
All children need to feel good about themselves and who
they are. That sense of well-being is threatened when they
are faced with confusing information or with an unkind remark
or slur. You might talk with your daughter like this: "Our
family's religion is not the same as Alan's family. His
religion isn't better than ours, and ours isn't better than
his. They're just different. Maybe we can invite Alan to
celebrate one of our holidays with us some time so he can
learn more about our religion." By addressing the issue
calmly and directly, you can help your daughter learn ways to
respond to such remarks if they happen again. By encouraging
her to invite Alan to share in your holidays, you communicate
your sense of pride about your religion.
In addition, you might want to consider calling Alan's
parents to talk about his comment. Perhaps both families can
talk together about their respective religions. In any case,
you have an opportunity to help your daughter understand that
no race, religion, or ethnicity is "better than" another, and
that it is important that all people have the freedom to
practice the religion of their choice. This experience can be
used to help your daughter think more about your family's
religious beliefs and how they are similar to and different
from the beliefs of others. This can also be the beginning of
your family's exploration of the world's religious
diversity.
I can't believe this, but my
third grader is getting teased because she's good at math.
She told me that she was going to pretend not to know the
answers in class, because all of the girls are calling her a
boy since "only boys are good at math." Should I talk to her
teacher?
Making your daughter's teacher aware of what is happening
in the classroom could prove helpful. One way the teacher
might approach this situation is to integrate books, stories,
news, and news articles about women scientists and
mathematicians into the curriculum. Another strategy might be
to talk with students in general about the history of women's
liberation and encourage ongoing, generalized discussions
about the similarities and differences among the abilities of
boys and girls.
Your role as her parent is to encourage your daughter to
be herself and to be proud of her accomplishments. Let her
know that you believe strongly that the girls who are teasing
her are wrong. Ask your daughter if she wants her teacher to
intervene, although she may feel that intervention will make
things worse. It would also be helpful to encourage your
daughter to seek out friendships with girls who are not
afraid of being good at math, science, or other school
subjects traditionally dominated by boys.
One day when my 5-year old-son
and I were driving home from the park, he suddenly said,
"Mom, I wish I were white." We live in a racially mixed
neighborhood, and I thought he had a positive self-concept
and a strong African American identity. I felt like a
failure.
You haven't failed your son. Most parents work hard to
give their children a sense of pride in themselves and their
heritage. If that heritage is devalued by society, however,
the task becomes much harder. Before you worry too much, it
would be helpful to find out what his remark means to him.
Try to understand what prompted his comment. Has he been
excluded from friendships or activities because of his race?
Did television or incidents in the neighborhood prompt his
comment? Did it come out of some other experience?
It is important that you react to a comment like this one
in a calm and thoughtful manner as your response can help to
begin an important conversation about what being African
American means to you, to him, and to others. This would also
be a good time to take a look around your home to determine
if the images in things like books, art, music, and toys that
your son is exposed to on a daily basis reflect African
American culture. Reading him stories about prominent African
Americans in history, pointing out African Americans in
position of leadership in the community and country, and
going to museums or cultural events that have as part of
their theme African American culture could all also be
helpful. Perhaps most important will be your ability to
convey to your son your own pride in your heritage and
culture.
The other day my daughter and I
were at the grocery store. While we were checking out I
struck up a conversation with the man at the register, who
had a thick accent. My 4-year-old daughter started to laugh
and said the man sounded "funny." I was very embarrassed and
didn't know what to say.
Instead of being embarrassed by a situation like this one,
use it as a "teachable moment." Explain to your daughter that
you understand why the man sounds different from her and
that's because he has an accent. Tell her that people who
learn another language first often say words differently from
those who learn English first. Help your daughter think about
the advantages of people being able to speak more than one
language. It will also be important you tell your daughter
that describing how the man talks as "funny" might hurt his
feelings and we never want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Remember not to ignore comments like this or trivialize them
by encouraging your daughter not to notice the man's accent.
This implies that something is wrong with the way the man is
speaking and begins to send your child negative messages
about diversity.
Recently I have noticed that my
preschooler is staring at people with disabilities. I keep
telling him that it's not polite to stare. The other day
while we were on an elevator with a man who was using a
wheelchair, my son asked, "Why don't that man's legs work?" I
had no idea how to handle this situation without making it
worse than it already was.
Your response to your child's question must provide
specific information and help the child to see the whole
person, not just his disability. Explain to your son that the
man might have been in an accident or had a disease that left
his legs "not working." Ask your son to think of things that
this person might have to do differently than he does because
of the disability. Bear in mind that some children are afraid
of illnesses and think that if a person has had an illness or
an accident it may in some way be contagious. If this is the
case with your child, you might want to add information to
allay this fear.
It is best not to silence your child without providing
information during situations like this one, because that
will imply that asking the question was somehow wrong. It
might also be useful for you to take the lead if you see your
child staring at someone, and ask him if has questions about
the person that you might be able to answer. The key to
answering questions at this stage of your child's life is
making sure that he has the most exposure possible to
diversity so that the questions will be asked naturally as
part of everyday life.